When Advice Isn’t About You: What I Wish Someone Told Me as a New Mom
Becoming a new mom is one of the most vulnerable experiences of a woman’s life. You’re cracked wide open physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You’re trying to do your best with a body that feels unfamiliar and a baby you’re just beginning to know. And in the middle of that storm, advice comes pouring in—some asked for, much of it not.
I remember the early days vividly. I was a first-time mom, trying to nurse, trying to rest, trying to figure out how to take care of this tiny, beautiful human. And the advice I received? It was constant. Feed this way. Don’t let him cry. Let him cry. Hold him more. Don’t hold him too much. It was overwhelming, and it was conflicting.
One moment that stands out took place at a family event. My baby was upset, likely overstimulated by the energy in the room. At the time, I didn’t have the language for that. I wasn’t into energy work yet. I just knew he was struggling, and I was trying everything I could to soothe him.
So I took him into a quiet room. I was nursing but also had formula on hand. I was doing my best. But every few minutes, someone would come in and offer advice. “Try this.” “He needs that.” “Have you done this yet?”
Eventually, my mom walked in and, in a moment of frustration, barked at me, “Just give him a damn bottle!” I caved. I gave him the bottle. And from that moment forward, he never nursed again.
I carried guilt for years over that moment. I thought I had failed him, failed myself. I didn’t know it at the time, but what I needed most in that moment wasn’t more advice. It wasn’t more pressure. It wasn’t someone to solve the situation.
What I needed was someone to look me in the eye and say, “You’re not doing it wrong. Babies cry. Your body knows what to do. You’re doing just fine.”
Looking back, I can now see that the advice I received wasn’t really about me. It was about the person giving it. They were uncomfortable with the crying, the chaos, the uncertainty. They wanted to fix it so they could feel better. So that they could feel useful. So that their knowledge felt validated.
There is almost always a “so that” behind advice:
-
So that I feel seen.
-
So that I feel valuable.
-
So that I feel like I made a difference.
That doesn’t mean advice is bad or given with poor intentions. But it does mean we need to pause and ask ourselves: What am I trying to fix? And who is it really for?
When I work with clients now, I often ask them to explore the “so that” behind their actions. It can reveal so much about our needs, our wounds, and the places in us still asking for healing.
And if you’re someone who’s been on the receiving end of too much advice? Here’s what I want you to know:
You’re not broken. You don’t need fixing. Your body knows. Your intuition knows.
What you need isn’t more noise. What you need is space to hear yourself again.
And if you ever find yourself in a room with a new mom, maybe she doesn’t need your advice. Maybe she just needs your presence. A hand on her shoulder. A reminder that she’s not alone.
This is how we start breaking the cycle—not with more doing, but with more listening. With trust. With presence. With fewer “shoulds” and more “you’re doing great.”
Because that changes everything.
And if this resonates with you, you may love my offering Come Closer — a space to tune out the noise, lean into your inner wisdom, and reconnect with the truth that’s always been yours.